so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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