I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
