Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
