I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
