So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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