The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
