paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
