You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
