If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
