my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
