When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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