I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The best revenge is premature balding
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
So vagazzling was a success
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
