I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
