you're like a bully in the Christmas story
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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