Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Sext me about skeletons
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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