I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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