omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
