Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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