All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
