i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
