I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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