Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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