just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Randomize
