You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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