i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
