Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
