I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
