I'm so fucking centered right now
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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