Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
