those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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