I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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