Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
