i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
