Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
