I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
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