Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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