..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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