he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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