"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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