I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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