I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I have already put on my inside pants.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
