oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
