I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
