Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
