it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
