You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
