So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
