Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
