Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
