I can text with my tongue
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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